In The Sea•

The title is an Ingrid Michaelson song title.

~

I really apologize for disappearing for a while... I've been staying in my dreams.

..Hmph.

Lately I feel very alone. Even if I were surrounded by a large crowd of people, I cannot figure out what it is, I just do not notice them I guess..?

Whenever I try conversing, my conversations are dry...

I keep feeling more and more relatable to the song "I Dreamed A Dream" from Les Misérables...

From the part: "I dreamed a dream of time gone by, when hope was high and life worth living."

To: "I dreamed that love would never die, I hoped that God would be forgiving."

Then: "Then I was young and unafraid."

Next: "But the tigers come at night, with their voices soft as thunder. As they tear your hope apart, as they turn your dream to shame."

And: "And still I dream he'll come to me. That we will live the years together. But there are dreams that cannot be."

Lastly: "I had a dream my life would be, so different from this hell I'm living. So different now, from what it seemed."

And I don't think I'm old enough to relate to the last line: "Now life has killed the dream I dreamed."

...

Maybe I am just trying to grow up too fast..? Maybe I'm asking for more than I can handle...? Maybe I ask for things dangerous, maybe wicked, just to feel something...!?

Which relates to two or three songs by Three Days Grace, and a quote from one is: "Pain!-Without love. Pain!-Can't get enough. ... I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all."

The whole song by them titled: "Never Too Late".

...

I must be trying to build up dating relationships, by flirting etc, just to feel loved by someone I don't even know... But doing that, I feel bad for in-a-way using someone to cope with...I don't know.

And then I go back to this one specific guy who hates me, and I love knowing he hates me and I THINK I love him..(?!)

What is that?

I don't know how I ended up like this sad-blob.... Okay, not-blob. But... I like that word. It makes me think of squishy things.

Haha.

...

If anyone wants to try understanding my life? I would suggest listening to and paying attention to the lyrics of the song "Everybody's Changing" by Keane. (Try not getting distracted by the s***ness of Chaplin's voice.)

...

Really, this goes back to last year, after my birthday directly, my life turned into a real-dream-nightmare. That is all I can describe it as...

First, my crush for a long time leaves and sparks up my jealousy with only contacting my best friend. Second, this guy I start crushing on quickly after him leaving apparently commits suicide, and then at the end of that month (April) he pops up out of nowhere and his cousin says he was trapped in the basement of a known pedophile who kidnspped him when he 'attempted suicide'. Third, early the following month the second guy sends me a relationship request on Facebook for "It's Complicated," and we confusedly somehow started my first dating relationship (May 15 MAYBE? {As I said, it is confusing.}). Fourth, the first guy I get contact with again, through my best friend, and then his first reply back was that his computer moniter stopped working and then two or three -and a half months later, my bff tells me he started contacting her on a new email, and old laptop; he still hasn't tried messaging me back. Fifth, one or two months later I start to talk to the current guy (crush know lately as: boob/Kieran/you-know-who), who I only recently found out hates me now (first week of this month), and he doesn't want me to ever 'bother' aka talk to him again, but I SO WANT TO. Sixth, he agrees with my ex with something he, currently, has not told me (he is/was 'great friends' with my ex/first boyfriend). Seventh, it doesn't help at all that no matter who you are or what subject you are talking about, he always has brief replies...

And I started this (all on the internet) and cannot let it go, why? Because I left school early in sixth grade, and haven't had a life since (not that I ever did before; I was the quietest/shyest person in school). So? I started a life on the internet at this forum called 'Poptropica Secrets' which I joined my second year of homeschool, one week before we started (7th grade), and now since that place (no offense to anyone) has stolen/taken/screwed-up/screwed-with/ruined my life... How can I ever let it go when I have nothing and no one in person or 'real life' to talk to, hang out with, et cetera anyway?

I have never been the average person, anyhow. I always was the smartest girl in my class, had the neatest most readable hand writing, perfect grammar, loved classical music and American songs (like "The Star Spangled Banner" etc), never had an interest in technology, a perfectionist, careless of others opinions on me (good or bad), blah-blah. Until fourth grade when my grades dropped because I had to leave right after lunch (half through the school-day) for this therapy program called "Impact" my mom put me in, just like my sister and brother.

Now I am, can I say?, the complete opposite of myself...?

That's my best way of putting it...

After third grade, everyone would put everyone in the class as if they were all one, and I lost my best friend, and these two twin boys took over my life and I stopped brushing my teeth so I now STILL have a weird gap that gets wider at the bottom of my top front teeth from then, because I wanted it (they always went for the girls who had the gap). (!!) And I started slumping in my chair because they (skater boys) did that, and went for girls like that..

My life has basically been ruined all in the same school year... And has gone in a downward spiral since.

I lost my perfect posture, I always lose my schedule of used-to-be 5AM-8PM, I can't get in a ruitine of brushing my teeth anymore and my adult teeth have grown in all weird and crooked and we can't fix that 'cos "It's too much money I don't have," says my mom, and then I have to live in a world where technology is how I reach it and (if you haven't got the memo yet) I HATE TECHNOLOGY!!!, then all of these adult-coming generations are STUPID and go for this damn president who doesn't even like this country!, oh and my mom gets me into the news because she likes politics (my parents have been divorced since 2004 not long before I moved to where I live in Wisconsin {from my home state of California}; dad's abusive and a rapist, so I live with my mom and we are forced to visit him every year on holidays or whatever and he lives in Utah, and he always tries taking us as full custody and says his home-environment in a 'Mormon village' is better than ours in our apartment)...

And now all I do in life is post my thoughts on the universe on blogs on the internet where basically no one can understand my randomness (I am a straight-forward person, so when I post, on Silo Dream it's how my mind works {which is different from normal people because I have Asperger's Syndrome which is a type of Autism found by this British guy in the early 1900's or something like that}, and how I would talk to you in real life if you were my mother or sister or brother, except I am more open in the way that I actually swear {in real life, I spell out swear words {started when my sister started swearing and as the youngest, I would tell my mom "Hannah called me a b-i-t-c-h.."}}.)...

And I always have an opinion of everything, so I started THIS blog I am posting this on now (see? straight-forward enough?), and no derr I am... but yeah. And I tell things as it is or more-commonly all that I know about it, myself, or 'knowledge of it' whatever, alike, and I am a really bad lier, which you can see mostly every day on "SD" (other blog on this account) where sometimes I'll say things like: "I'm not JEALOUS! Pfft...! Jealous....." and then the next line I say: "Ok well maybe I am just a little... a lot a bit."

So, trust me, the truth as I know it is probably what my motto should be, 'cause that is how I talk naturally...

And really, I am probably a "boringly-funny" person in RL, because all I say is facts or things that make others laugh, and then they go on with their day/life. On the internet, I am super random because I've never had anyone ever fully listen to me, and I can speak my mind... And... I always am thinking of a zillion things at once, and now I can share that with YOU or snyone, since I won't freeze up from my Asperger's and also Select Mutism or "SM", and can talk freely...

People like my current/last-on-the-list crush Kieran (Halfschool on the PSF), are just like others in RL (real life/in person) who don't like the randomness, find it annoying, and would much rather prefer my true outer self, rather than my (bad wordage**) insides. (I call them {in RL}: "inerds." Pronounced like "in" and "nerds" without the extra 'n'... Don't ask, it's just a word I made up one day and it stuck. I don't have those stories at childhood of words I could not pronounce {I literally never talked to anyone} so that is probably what I do now: Make up my own words, instead.).

I just need to grow up, fall-in-love, and cross my fingers that future guy waiting for me (maybe) is someone who would care to listen.

...

Was this a rant? I'd like to think I never do those.. Woopsie-daisy!

Sorry,

It's our little secret. •X•O•

[Picture Anaya from the PSF created for me.]